Hey, I think I loved you...

Why do sexy, 80s, teeny-bopper types have to grow old and/or get fat and/or become uncool and/or become junkies (the non-sexy kind, unfortunately)? *

James Spader is a man that will always have a place in my heart, despite this, this (this hilarious travesty counts towards Keanu as well, although, according to him, it's not his fault), and this. Oh, no, wait...this annnnnd this, too. Half of these movies are so bad, no one has even bothered to upload the trailers to Youtube. He was non-stop awesome from when he first started out (with unforgettable gems like Tuff Turf (1985), The New Kids (1985), Pretty In Pink (1986), Sex, Lies, and Videotape (1989), White Palace (1990), etc). Even his early goofy movies were watchable and believe me, I watched them over and over and...(Less Than Zero (1987) Jack's Back (1988), Bad Influence (1990, also starring a very slick/smarmy/hot Rob Lowe), Dream Lover (1993), etc). He's definitely an amazing man and it's clear that I had (yeah, you read me) nothing but the utmost respect for him. Unfortunately, after the controversial/fascinating Crash (1996, no, not that horrible Academy Award winning pile that "subtly", with all the grace of a sledge hammer, tries to tell Americans that deep down they are all racist), and the severely underrated Two Days in the Valley (1996) and Keys to Tulsa (1997), he just made so much garbage until the saving grace that was Secretary (2002). I still buy his movies whenever I find them and I have admittedly watched Shadow of Fear (2004) more than twice. He found great success with The Practice/Boston Legal and I commend him for it, it's good that he found something steady that I've heard doesn't suck (never seen Boston Legal and I stopped watching The Practice a few seasons in). Mr. Spader, I choose to remember you as Steff, the very quotable asshole from Pretty in Pink, as Rip, the greasy drug dealer from Less Than Zero, as Graham, the impotent, poodle-haired drifter from Sex, Lies, and Videotape, and as Morgan, the bike riding, former yuppie who tickled the ivories oh so seriously in Tuff Turf.

Oh. My. God. What can be said about Corey Haim, the formerly hotter half of The Two Coreys? The guy had it all, didn't he? Silver Bullet (1985), Lucas (1986), The Lost Boys (1987), License to Drive (1988), Dream a Little Dream (1989)...Oh, and Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990) is definitely awesome although I'm not in the majority on that one (though now I guess it's become something of a cult classic). That was his last film to get a theatrical release (I'm not counting 2009's Crank: High Voltage because that was just a tiny but nevertheless hilarious cameo) and I guess he couldn't hide how fucked up he was anymore. In 1989, dude tried to show people that he wasn't a piece of shit by releasing Me, Myself, and I to the masses, a 36 minute glamor video that only reinforced what a junkie turd he had become. The guy has definitely had his struggles: declaring bankruptcy in 1997, bottoming out even further by trying to sell his hair and teeth on Ebay, giving interviews when he shouldn't give interviews, appearing in horrible, awful, embarrassing shit because he has to, and the pièce de résistance is...1992's soft-core, garbage-fest that is Blown Away. This movie is so bad it's on a level of awful that I actually have rarely seen. It's definitely entertaining, I won't lie, and watching Meth Mouth have sex scene after sex scene is not really much of a chore. You can certainly tell that Corey Haim did this for straight cash and Corey Feldman most likely as a favor to someone (probably Haim). This is a Two Coreys film that hardly ever gets mentioned and it's absolutely obvious why. At one point in the film (hello, spoiler alert), Corey Haim (Rich) is watching Corey Feldman (Wes) have sex with Corey Haim's double-crossing, vixen of a girlfriend (Megan) played by Nicole Eggert (still with me?). The camera pans from Feldman and Eggert having really awkward sex to Haim sitting in a chair, A.C Slater style, and he slowly and bitterly says, in all fucking seriousness: "Wes and his amazing penis!" My current obsession is the Feldman-Haim "reality" show The Two Coreys, although I hear it got cancelled midway through it's second season. Bummer. Anyway, whatever, dude has four new movies coming out in the near future. Hopefully they are released in theaters and hopefully Feldman has a walk-on where he is dressed like he raided Michael Jackson's estate sale.

Rob Lowe has always been a rabid obsession of mine.

I buy up pretty much everything he is in, whether starring or just hanging out. He was this insanely attractive guy who I swear, was carved out of marble, brought to life, and then made some seriously awesome movies. This guy was my idea of the perfect looking dude and I still get all hot and bothered watching his old school movie jams. Dude just caught a bad rap, unfortunately, after a sex tape surfaced of him having sex with some underage trim (I used to know of a link to a video of him and some other dude plowing some chick in a motel but I can't be bothered to look for it and I doubt anyone really wants to see that shit). Anyway, Rob didn't do any jail time but his career never recovered. I'm not mad 'atcha, Rob. Many a time have I dreamed about partying with this dude, 80s style, plus he still looks really good! I guess I'm just bummed at the raw deal he got in life and choose to remember him for The Outsiders (1983), Class (1983), The Hotel New Hampshire (1984), St. Elmo's Fire (1985), Youngblood (1986), About Last Night... (1986), and even Masquerade (1988) and Bad Influence (1989, previously mentioned above for James Spader), instead of for this and a couple failed television series. But what the fuck, dude was in Wayne's World (1992), Tommy Boy (1995), The Austin Powers movies (1997, 1999, 2002), and Thank You For Smoking (2005). This guy still rules and he ain't going nowheres.

Christian Slater, I dunno. He's not doing too, too bad, actually. He's still working and you don't hear too much sadsackery from him (or maybe that's because I'm not listening). I'm pretty lukewarm on the guy, actually. I was more down with the characters he played rather than him as a person so I guess that's why I ain't got much to say. Anyway, to make a short story even shorter: this rules, this definitely rules, this certainly rules, this is so bad it rules, this has no choice BUT to rule, this I love but people don't (and didn't) find it as amazingly hilarious as I do, this sucks and he only has a glorified cameo (first to die, wtf?!) but I actually am entertained by it. I've probably seen it oh, fifteen more times than necessary (which is to say I've seen the film about fifteen times). This fails on just about every celluloid level in the history of ever, this is so blah the only people willing to show it some love are the Spaniards (or the Mexicans, or the Columbians...whatever), and this was directed by Uwe Boll soooo...yeah, nothing needs to be said really. Christian Slater has made some great movies and some horrible movies, much like every working actor to date, and it's not like he's all "Haim'd" out (anymore, anyway). His latest movies haven't been all that bad (2006's Bobby and 2007's He Was a Quiet Man look like they could be interesting). I guess the reason why he's included in this list is that some of his characters rule, I think he's a bit of a douche, I don't care too much to follow him career past the 90s and I wish he was frozen in time as J.D so he could be my boyfriend.

I love this picture from Interview magazine in and around the time of one of my favorite films, Gus Van Sant's My Own Private Idaho (1991). River Phoenix never really got much of a chance to be my idea of "uncool". Essentially he didn't start making garbage, big money nonsense and he went out like a champ: doing the hokey pokey outside of the Viper Room in 1993. But this shits ain't about him, it's about one of my favorite one note, monosyllabic actors, Keanu Reeves. River's Edge (1986) is seriously one of my all time favorite movies (and it also stars the absolutely brilliant Crispin Glover), the aforementioned My Own Private Idaho is almost sheer perfection (I can watch it whenever and wherever), I've wanted to see Permanent Record for quite some time now, can't seem to find it anywhere, The Bill & Ted movies (1989, 1991) gave more reasons to love this glassy-eyed, floppy haired, half-breed muppet, and both Point Break (1991) and Speed (the latter being one of my favorite movies of all time) showed that this guy could do much more than lumber through waxing philosophically about teen angst issues with a deadpan look of ennui permanently etched to his face. Then it was like, wtf, I'll just do whatever: Johnny Mnemonic (1995, the year of the cyber film cash-in: Hello! The Net, Hackers, Virtuosity), Chain Reaction (1996), Constantine (2005), Street Kings (2008) and blah blah blah. Now, I am by no means saying he's completely sold out to the almighty buck. He still makes some pretty rad movies (Feeling Minnesota is a cute movie, [plus it's named after a Soundgarden lyric and has Courtney Love playing a waitress], The Devil's Advocate (1997) was pretty good [Pacino before he started to embarrass himself, HOOOHAAAAH!], The Matrix (1999) should have just been one stand alone, really cool movie, The Gift (2000) was just alright but he was pretty rad as a greasy, racist dude [and it's a fun glimpse at Katie Holmes before she become a Stepford cyborg living at the base of the volcano that only exists in her mind and the minds of countless other desperate celebs], etc. So, yeah, he mainly makes somewhat to very barely watchable movies that have all the social commentary of the Twilight novels (The Replacements (2000), Sweet November (2001), Hard Ball (2001) to name but a few) but that doesn't make him a shitty person. I just don't wannna hang out with him.

N.B: I met Keanu once and the situation was highly embarrassing but has now become highly amusing. He was pretty cool back then and his only real crime is getting old and improving on his vocabulary.

* RDJ not included because despite his faults, he has never, ever been uncool.