Black Friday kills me...

I wish Canada had a version of Black Friday where there are huge sales but people don't die in the process. We are a more polite people...so why do we have to wait until effing Boxing Day for the WORST sales. Like, thanks for the 15% off of a $500 handbag. PASS!

I want these things:

OBESITY AND SPEED



ELIZABETH AND JAMES



ACNE



MIKE & CHRIS



DIESEL



MACKAGE




sssense.com is like, THE most AMAZING store, dude.

The sanity assassins...

So I guess I wrote a book?

Started it in 1999 and finished it in 2009. It's been a labor of love and hate, really. When I first started writing it I was like: Man, I have been in love with Bret Easton Ellis and Dennis Cooper since I was a pre-teen. I should write like that!
Then as I got more life experience and also more confidence as a writer, I started evolving the book. It still has elements of those authors, sure. I've been inspired by plenty more over the years as well. What I did differently though is add my own experiences as much as possible. Originally I set the story in Los Angeles because OMG L.A. IS SOOOO COOL! Then, a couple years later, I re-read what I had written and was like: WTF?! It sounded like if I died and had to choose between L.A. and heaven, I would choose the former. That's just nutty. Eventually I did countless weeks and weeks and weeks of research on early 90s L.A. plus I used my own experiences of visiting the city and my own experiences in general. It wasn't just about Ray Bans and claiming to be bored every five minutes anymore. I didn't want to set it in a place I am familiar with because: 1) Canada (especially Ottawa) is boring (in my opinion) and 2) I didn't want it to be too personal.
But really...it is very personal. I almost want to keep it to myself but then what did I write it all down for? I'm being very confusing, I know, but this is the first thing I've written that I've decided I want to share with anybody. It's a strange feeling.

There's a shape in the spotlight...

Musically, I've been stuck in the past for ages. I mostly listen to old school metal (i.e: Dio, Slayer, Guns n' Roses, King Diamond, Judas Priest...), goth-y/post-punk (i.e: Bauhaus, The Sisters of Mercy, Joy Division...), sing-a-long/nonsense/post-hardcore (i.e: Thursday, Taking Back Sunday...) and Nirvana is still my favorite band. So it's kind of a big deal that I took the time to embrace some modern jams.

Some of my new favorites

See you in hell, my friend...

I remember back in and around 2002 I saw CKY 4: Latest & Greatest. You know, the collection of clips of Bam and company pulling pranks and then random shots of Mr. Margera skateboarding around town, blah blah blah. Anyway, that video introduced me to the cheesy awesomeness that is Grim Reaper. In a scene where Bam, Raab, and Chris dig a hole in the backyard, cover it with leaves, and then wait on the roof to watch Phil Margera, Bam's dad, cut the lawn, 'See You In Hell' by Grim Reaper plays and it just made it so much more effective.



It's at the 1:30 mark.

I've been listening to Grim Reaper a lot lately. I listened to the song 'See You in Hell' to death after I heard it in CKY 4 and kind of forgot about the band. Now they're basically on repeat, whether I'm on my bike or getting up in the morning. Totally righteous jams.



In actuality I first heard the song on Beavis and Butthead during the video commentary part of the show but the song didn't stick too much with me. I only know I saw it because I've seen every episode of the show.



The best part is definitely "Look at his face!". It gets me every time. So yeah, now I have all of their albums and all three are a Dio kind of awesome.



Storming the castle in a riverboat-tank? Torches? Leather armor? A werewolf-man? And of course, the Grim Reaper in the, uh, flesh. How ri-goddamn-diculous can you get?!?

Sex negatives and positives...

The year I was born, a strange pornographic film called Café Flesh was released upon the world. In October 2009 I discovered it while browsing my very favorite torrent site Cinemageddon (great for finding bad/hard to find films) and while lurking the internets for my favorite porn star (never had one before, it's a funny feeling) Kevin James. This is Kevin James (I) and not Kevin James (III), (III) is responsible for the lameness that is Paul Blart: Mall Cop and (I) is responsible for being really cute and in some very strange porn movies. More on him later.

The plot line for Café Flesh is as follows:

"In the aftermath of nuclear apocalypse, 99% of the survivors are Sex Negatives - they become violently ill if they attempt it. The minority Sex Positives engage in carnal theater for the entertainment of the Negatives at Cafe Flesh. Everyone is excited about the arrival at the club of the famous Positive Johnny Rico, and one Negative woman is beginning to question her negativeness as she and her boyfriend grow more distant from each other."

Or if you prefer:

"In the future, humans are divided into Sex Negatives and Sex Positives. The negatives get sick if they have sex so they go to Cafe Flesh to see positives who are forced to perform on stage for the negatives. Lana is a positive who everyone thinks is a negative and she must decide whether to come clean or not."

What piqued my interest is not that it is pornographic (no, seriously) but that it looked like a 1980s New Wave/Art Deco explosion. The post-apocalyptic/dystopia netherworld aspect was also very intriguing (it's Blade Runner meets A Clockwork Orange meets Tit Banging Fever). Also, it didn't hurt that it starred the late great Kevin James but more on him later.

You get the idea. What's nice about the movie is that the women are actually attractive (attractive like they look like real people, real attractive people, and not melting candles with tits). The downside is that the body hair on both sexes makes you queasy after awhile. I have absolutely no idea what it was about having a wizard's beard for a muff that turned people on but it is just so foul and greasy. I actually fast forwarded pretty much all the sex scenes (no, seriously) because they were too gross but I give kudos to the direction of the sex scenes. Unusual and pretty cool, you just have to try (and most likely fail) to get past the extreme forestation.



And now for Kevin James...



Here he is in Café Flesh as Johnny Rico, the sexiest and the coolest of the Positives.



That's the 80s for you. Dude fucks with sunglasses ON! Remember that episode of Ready or Not where Busy's brother calls into that sex radio show to talk about how his weirdo girlfriend only wants to fuck him when he's wearing a beret and sunglasses? I remember thinking that shit was so ridiculous (and it is) but I kind of get it now. Get rid of the beret, keep the Raybans and that's hot. It's like fucking someone who Bret Easton Ellis created.



Later in 1982 he made Taboo II, a sequel to the infamous film where everyone, ahem, keeps it in the family. While fucking your mom, dad, brother, sister, and uncle is decidedly unhot, Kevin James definitely is. Look at how he goes from hot dude boning a chick while wearing sunglasses to button-up shirted, boy-next-door (his character's name is Junior!!) who tries and tries and eventually succeeds in fucking his sister. I really don't want to explain how I know all this (please don't make me) but yeah, I heart me some Kevin James and even though he was definitely in need of a down there trim, I take it upon myself to find and consequently acquire the movies that he is in. But they have to be MOVIES.

Back in the day porn used to tell stories. You would go to a theater and watch people get their rocks off in between a "compelling" storyline and there was presence of an actual budget. Porn stars made a small handful of movies a year, usually, but now it's like this: Sasha Grey made 51 films in 2008 (I'm not sure how many are compilations, repeats, whatever but I'm sure not that many). Now no offense meant to her at all, that girl rules. I have met her in person, shared a small scene with her in a non-pornographic film (Smash Cut - I speak, I have one line, wheeee!) and had a small back and forth with her on Myspace (have you seen her in The Girlfriend Experience? Great, great film), but these days you get a room, a beach-front property, a van, whatever, some "actors", a camera, and you've got your movie. Home video took a giant shit on the porn industry, man. Now I sound like I'm a porn connoisseur and I'm really not. I've got myself a Bachelor's in Film Studies and I took a class where we watched a bunch of old school porn-type films and they were indeed films. The acting was bad but really not THAT bad, most of the guys were ugly as sin (not much has changed), and like I said before, soooo much hair, but they were watchable! They could be analyzed as something akin to a piece of history and not just penetrate, hump, splat.

Anyway, Kevin James died in 1987 of testicular cancer and I'm sure he went out a fucking champ.

Keep running up that hill...

I'm really very much in love with both versions of 'Running Up That Hill', the original, of course, sung by the forever enigmatic/loopy Kate Bush and the cover sung by the former loves of my life, the hit-or-miss Placebo. The cover gives me these weird shivers down my spine, though, which rarely happens! I would say the last time that happened would be when I first heard 'Sunday' by Sonic Youth about a decade ago. I'm definitely not comparing the two, I'm just sayin'.

These are a few of my favorite things...

As if I am not "manly" enough as it is (what with the very short, very scruffy hair, the gruff, booming voice, and all the charm and grace of a steel-town girl any night of the week), for some reason I have taken to wearing classic men's lace-ups, men's vests, men's button-ups, and blazers. All at the same time, no less! It's nothing new, clearly, but despite family members claiming its a cry for attention (or help), I'm loving it!

*leased from dejour magazine





*leased from the sartorialist





*leased from the sartorialist




*leased from myddnetwork





*leased from myddnetwork





I love pretty much every fashion spread starring two of my favorite androgynies: Cate Blanchette + Tilda Swinton.




Ditto.




"La-di-da, la-di-da, la la."



I do draw the line at ties/bowties. No thanks!

Hey, I think I loved you...

Why do sexy, 80s, teeny-bopper types have to grow old and/or get fat and/or become uncool and/or become junkies (the non-sexy kind, unfortunately)? *

James Spader is a man that will always have a place in my heart, despite this, this (this hilarious travesty counts towards Keanu as well, although, according to him, it's not his fault), and this. Oh, no, wait...this annnnnd this, too. Half of these movies are so bad, no one has even bothered to upload the trailers to Youtube. He was non-stop awesome from when he first started out (with unforgettable gems like Tuff Turf (1985), The New Kids (1985), Pretty In Pink (1986), Sex, Lies, and Videotape (1989), White Palace (1990), etc). Even his early goofy movies were watchable and believe me, I watched them over and over and...(Less Than Zero (1987) Jack's Back (1988), Bad Influence (1990, also starring a very slick/smarmy/hot Rob Lowe), Dream Lover (1993), etc). He's definitely an amazing man and it's clear that I had (yeah, you read me) nothing but the utmost respect for him. Unfortunately, after the controversial/fascinating Crash (1996, no, not that horrible Academy Award winning pile that "subtly", with all the grace of a sledge hammer, tries to tell Americans that deep down they are all racist), and the severely underrated Two Days in the Valley (1996) and Keys to Tulsa (1997), he just made so much garbage until the saving grace that was Secretary (2002). I still buy his movies whenever I find them and I have admittedly watched Shadow of Fear (2004) more than twice. He found great success with The Practice/Boston Legal and I commend him for it, it's good that he found something steady that I've heard doesn't suck (never seen Boston Legal and I stopped watching The Practice a few seasons in). Mr. Spader, I choose to remember you as Steff, the very quotable asshole from Pretty in Pink, as Rip, the greasy drug dealer from Less Than Zero, as Graham, the impotent, poodle-haired drifter from Sex, Lies, and Videotape, and as Morgan, the bike riding, former yuppie who tickled the ivories oh so seriously in Tuff Turf.

Oh. My. God. What can be said about Corey Haim, the formerly hotter half of The Two Coreys? The guy had it all, didn't he? Silver Bullet (1985), Lucas (1986), The Lost Boys (1987), License to Drive (1988), Dream a Little Dream (1989)...Oh, and Prayer of the Rollerboys (1990) is definitely awesome although I'm not in the majority on that one (though now I guess it's become something of a cult classic). That was his last film to get a theatrical release (I'm not counting 2009's Crank: High Voltage because that was just a tiny but nevertheless hilarious cameo) and I guess he couldn't hide how fucked up he was anymore. In 1989, dude tried to show people that he wasn't a piece of shit by releasing Me, Myself, and I to the masses, a 36 minute glamor video that only reinforced what a junkie turd he had become. The guy has definitely had his struggles: declaring bankruptcy in 1997, bottoming out even further by trying to sell his hair and teeth on Ebay, giving interviews when he shouldn't give interviews, appearing in horrible, awful, embarrassing shit because he has to, and the pièce de résistance is...1992's soft-core, garbage-fest that is Blown Away. This movie is so bad it's on a level of awful that I actually have rarely seen. It's definitely entertaining, I won't lie, and watching Meth Mouth have sex scene after sex scene is not really much of a chore. You can certainly tell that Corey Haim did this for straight cash and Corey Feldman most likely as a favor to someone (probably Haim). This is a Two Coreys film that hardly ever gets mentioned and it's absolutely obvious why. At one point in the film (hello, spoiler alert), Corey Haim (Rich) is watching Corey Feldman (Wes) have sex with Corey Haim's double-crossing, vixen of a girlfriend (Megan) played by Nicole Eggert (still with me?). The camera pans from Feldman and Eggert having really awkward sex to Haim sitting in a chair, A.C Slater style, and he slowly and bitterly says, in all fucking seriousness: "Wes and his amazing penis!" My current obsession is the Feldman-Haim "reality" show The Two Coreys, although I hear it got cancelled midway through it's second season. Bummer. Anyway, whatever, dude has four new movies coming out in the near future. Hopefully they are released in theaters and hopefully Feldman has a walk-on where he is dressed like he raided Michael Jackson's estate sale.

Rob Lowe has always been a rabid obsession of mine.

I buy up pretty much everything he is in, whether starring or just hanging out. He was this insanely attractive guy who I swear, was carved out of marble, brought to life, and then made some seriously awesome movies. This guy was my idea of the perfect looking dude and I still get all hot and bothered watching his old school movie jams. Dude just caught a bad rap, unfortunately, after a sex tape surfaced of him having sex with some underage trim (I used to know of a link to a video of him and some other dude plowing some chick in a motel but I can't be bothered to look for it and I doubt anyone really wants to see that shit). Anyway, Rob didn't do any jail time but his career never recovered. I'm not mad 'atcha, Rob. Many a time have I dreamed about partying with this dude, 80s style, plus he still looks really good! I guess I'm just bummed at the raw deal he got in life and choose to remember him for The Outsiders (1983), Class (1983), The Hotel New Hampshire (1984), St. Elmo's Fire (1985), Youngblood (1986), About Last Night... (1986), and even Masquerade (1988) and Bad Influence (1989, previously mentioned above for James Spader), instead of for this and a couple failed television series. But what the fuck, dude was in Wayne's World (1992), Tommy Boy (1995), The Austin Powers movies (1997, 1999, 2002), and Thank You For Smoking (2005). This guy still rules and he ain't going nowheres.

Christian Slater, I dunno. He's not doing too, too bad, actually. He's still working and you don't hear too much sadsackery from him (or maybe that's because I'm not listening). I'm pretty lukewarm on the guy, actually. I was more down with the characters he played rather than him as a person so I guess that's why I ain't got much to say. Anyway, to make a short story even shorter: this rules, this definitely rules, this certainly rules, this is so bad it rules, this has no choice BUT to rule, this I love but people don't (and didn't) find it as amazingly hilarious as I do, this sucks and he only has a glorified cameo (first to die, wtf?!) but I actually am entertained by it. I've probably seen it oh, fifteen more times than necessary (which is to say I've seen the film about fifteen times). This fails on just about every celluloid level in the history of ever, this is so blah the only people willing to show it some love are the Spaniards (or the Mexicans, or the Columbians...whatever), and this was directed by Uwe Boll soooo...yeah, nothing needs to be said really. Christian Slater has made some great movies and some horrible movies, much like every working actor to date, and it's not like he's all "Haim'd" out (anymore, anyway). His latest movies haven't been all that bad (2006's Bobby and 2007's He Was a Quiet Man look like they could be interesting). I guess the reason why he's included in this list is that some of his characters rule, I think he's a bit of a douche, I don't care too much to follow him career past the 90s and I wish he was frozen in time as J.D so he could be my boyfriend.

I love this picture from Interview magazine in and around the time of one of my favorite films, Gus Van Sant's My Own Private Idaho (1991). River Phoenix never really got much of a chance to be my idea of "uncool". Essentially he didn't start making garbage, big money nonsense and he went out like a champ: doing the hokey pokey outside of the Viper Room in 1993. But this shits ain't about him, it's about one of my favorite one note, monosyllabic actors, Keanu Reeves. River's Edge (1986) is seriously one of my all time favorite movies (and it also stars the absolutely brilliant Crispin Glover), the aforementioned My Own Private Idaho is almost sheer perfection (I can watch it whenever and wherever), I've wanted to see Permanent Record for quite some time now, can't seem to find it anywhere, The Bill & Ted movies (1989, 1991) gave more reasons to love this glassy-eyed, floppy haired, half-breed muppet, and both Point Break (1991) and Speed (the latter being one of my favorite movies of all time) showed that this guy could do much more than lumber through waxing philosophically about teen angst issues with a deadpan look of ennui permanently etched to his face. Then it was like, wtf, I'll just do whatever: Johnny Mnemonic (1995, the year of the cyber film cash-in: Hello! The Net, Hackers, Virtuosity), Chain Reaction (1996), Constantine (2005), Street Kings (2008) and blah blah blah. Now, I am by no means saying he's completely sold out to the almighty buck. He still makes some pretty rad movies (Feeling Minnesota is a cute movie, [plus it's named after a Soundgarden lyric and has Courtney Love playing a waitress], The Devil's Advocate (1997) was pretty good [Pacino before he started to embarrass himself, HOOOHAAAAH!], The Matrix (1999) should have just been one stand alone, really cool movie, The Gift (2000) was just alright but he was pretty rad as a greasy, racist dude [and it's a fun glimpse at Katie Holmes before she become a Stepford cyborg living at the base of the volcano that only exists in her mind and the minds of countless other desperate celebs], etc. So, yeah, he mainly makes somewhat to very barely watchable movies that have all the social commentary of the Twilight novels (The Replacements (2000), Sweet November (2001), Hard Ball (2001) to name but a few) but that doesn't make him a shitty person. I just don't wannna hang out with him.

N.B: I met Keanu once and the situation was highly embarrassing but has now become highly amusing. He was pretty cool back then and his only real crime is getting old and improving on his vocabulary.

* RDJ not included because despite his faults, he has never, ever been uncool.

With you, Sunday never ends...